來吧，圍觀一場真正的雅思作文批改！
來源：
小編： 320什么樣的批改才能真正意義上幫助大家提升雅思分數？
市面上大部分的批改其實都僅僅針對“語法”和“詞匯”兩項，并不是說這兩項在雅思寫作中不重要，而是這兩項只是評分標準中的一半，而對另一半的忽視很容易限制了考生的上限分數。
所以，我特意挑了一篇語法錯誤相對較少的文章進行批改，和大家仔細分享一下。
本次批改主要針對邏輯層面，所以個別語法細節只批改未講解。
Countriesare becoming more and more similar because people are able to buy thesame products anywhere in the world. Do you think this is a positiveor negative development?
學員作文：
黑色為原作文；紅色為批改內容
Since roughly one or two generations ago, today’s world has been gaining increasing similarity, which can be explained by that[… by the fact that …]products with [the]same brand and pattern are now available almost everywhere in the world. Although this phenomenon can bring about some merits, in my view, generally, it is still a negative trend. This essay will begin at [at] exploring the bright side of this, followed by the reasons [why]I regard it negative.
1. 本段的幾個語法錯誤已用紅色改正。
2. 本段第一句明顯是背景改寫，但是其意思和原題背景不貼切。原題指的是相同的商品，而不是品牌。所以這開頭段第一句的背景改寫，不僅有語法的錯誤還有邏輯的瑕疵。
其實背景改寫主要是轉述，而不是簡簡單單地用詞匯替換和句式轉換的方式來改寫。
例如這個背景就可以寫成：In contemporary world, people in many countries are losing their national identity to some extent, with purchasing and using same commodities in their daily life.
這么簡短一句其實足夠概括本文的背景。
3. 本段第二句直接點明了筆者的立場，清晰易懂。但是，本句寫的略微有些套路，如果能夠再貼合后文論點會更好。
4. 至于本段的第三句，實在是沒有必要。這種句子本身對于文章的影響不痛不癢，但一旦出現語法錯誤又會使考官對于筆者的水平有更低的預期，所以寫了還不如不寫。
With the rapid process of globalization, it has been very easy for people to purchase oversea commodities and enjoy the benefits brought by them. Take China, my country, as an example. [,] In the past before 1980s, people can [could]only buy domestic products ranging from food to household appliances,which implies that there is little choice [there were limited choices]for citizens in terms of their daily necessities. However，avariety of products now are accessible to the social mass and consumers are capable of making their own decisions over whether to buy the [the] domestic commodities or the [the] exoticones, according to their preferences and disposable income. Some electronic products such as Iphone and I watch as well as some automobile brands including BMW and Mercedes are prevalent among quite a few countries and this fully manifests the rising similarity between [over] different regions of the world and simultaneously reflects people’s pursuit to high-quality lifestyle as well.
1. 細節語法錯誤已用紅色改正。
2. 本段缺少清晰有力的中心句。既然本段是在寫這個現象的優點，那么就把它寫在當面，越清晰越好。
3. 本段的篇幅已經超過了正常范圍，所以本段的例子一定要精簡。前文以中國為例就足夠了，后面再以電子產品和汽車為例完全沒有必要，反而顯得結構臃腫和重復。
4. 簡言之，本段最大的問題其實是段落結構的問題。
5. 如何用簡單的語言，既能表達清楚論點，又能做到充分展開，這才是筆者目前最需要掌握知識點。
Despite its merits to people’s life, I think there are more dangerous engendered by this [drawbacks this trend gives rise to],which should not [be]overlooked. Too much [many] oversea goods flocking into a host country might lead to such a fact that the outsider [imports] one day perhaps [perhaps] will dominate the local market, which is what domestic manufacturers and enterprises are definitely unwilling to confront on all accounts.Also, the influx of exotic products always means a different foreign [a different foreign] culture’s infiltration which may cause the disadvantaged culture to die out eventually. To be precise, international obstructions being removed, foreign preponderant cultures come in and are most likely to come out on top in the competition against the native ones, thereby assimilating or even wiping out indigenous vulnerable cultures. This would do great harm to a nation’s cultural diversity, causing considerable loss of valuable civilized treasures.
1. 幾個細節錯誤已用紅色改正。
2. 和上一段有一個相似的錯誤，就是論點表達不直接。其實本段有兩個論點，其中第一論點的表達不直白，需要再清晰化一下，相比之下第二論點表達的更好一些。
3. 拋開論點表達，再說論點的展開。其實第一論點并沒有在邏輯上真正的展開，也就是說并沒有明確說出這些競爭為什么是本地制造商和企業不愿面對的。相比之下，第二論點關于文化入侵的展開就比較精彩了。
4. 綜上所言，本段還是在段落構成方面做得不夠好，需要有針對性的加強。
While this tendency can contribute to people’s higher life quality, I still believe that it would be more [more]
risky in particular for the society as a whole in the long run.
1. 結尾段起到了總括全文和重述立場的作用，從邏輯角度而言問題不大。
從評分標準看全文
IELTS scoring standard
1.問題回應程度達不到7分標準
其實本文的問題回應程度還不錯，尤其貫穿全文筆者立場比較清晰。
但是，無論是主一段還是主二段都有論點表述不夠清楚的情況發生。而且對于論點的展開個別情況也談不上充分。
所以，本項評分應該在6分水平。
2.全文段落清晰，每個段落的功能也比較清楚，但段落之間缺少鏈接和過渡，且段落內部的連貫性也顯得不足。
具體說，段落內部句子之間缺少必要的連接詞，前后文之間的邏輯性沒有被很好地突出。簡單而言，論述階段筆者的思路其實不清晰。
本項分數也是典型的6分水平。
3.詞匯應用中規中矩
全文詞匯的整體正確率還不錯，盡管有些細微的小錯誤，但是全文的詞匯范圍不算是特別廣泛。幾乎一直在用簡單詞進行論述。
對于詞匯的基本詞義，詞形，詞性都有比較好的把控。但是關于使用的地道性和靈活性還得不到很好的體現。
本項仍然是6分。
4.語法基礎比較扎實
全文幾乎沒有句子結構方面的錯誤，所有句子都清晰可讀。但是，細節語法錯誤還是略多，而且有些句式使用頻繁，給人重復的感覺，例如定語從句。
全文的語法深度其實是不錯的，對于非謂語動詞，乃至于獨立主格筆者都有應用，但是大量的定語從句還是限制了本文句式的多樣性。
因此本項也是6分水平。
| 得分情況 | ||||
|---|---|---|---|---|
| Task Response | coherence | Vocabulary | Grammar | overall |
| 6 | 6 | 6 | 6 | 6 |
總之，對于雅思作文的批改，不應該只針對語法和詞匯，對其邏輯，段落，論述思路等方面也應該是批改的主要范圍。
就本文而言，筆者最大的問題就是段落結構不熟悉。稍加調整，距離7分咫尺之遙。
